I’ve been processing things in a different way lately. Ever since I ended my contract at CMI, I have been searching for ways to keep my mind occupied while also enjoying the break from constant work. I recall enjoying this time off in years’ past when I was a teacher and spent the summer lazily going through life. While I know that I don’t have the luxury to be that lazy anymore, I find that my body and mind are really enjoying the rest.
The thing that pops up in my mind regularly is that life is short and life is long. It is short in that it is a finite blip in the grand scheme of time when relating one life to the multitude of lives that begin and end each day. But, it is long in that each day can move swiftly or not at all. Each moment can be cherished and treasured, or it can be dreaded. That is what I keep coming to. Over and over again. I am in a place where I want my long life to be enjoyable, and I’m not really sure where to go from here. I have benefited in the past from following the flow and now I’m not really following the flow the way I once did. I know many people are much more intentional with life, and I have not been up to this point. It is a different place to be mentally, and I think it’s offering a growth opportunity. If I’m always in a state of flow, what if the flow takes me down a river that leads to a lake of sewage? But, the flip side of that is the flow could also take me to a beautiful ocean full of wild beings. The flow kept things unknown, but what if the unknown this time was too scary? I am in such an internal state of flux that I don’t know where I am going. It is both freeing and yet completely scary.
In this time, I’ve already learned a bit about my relationship with fear. Where once I felt fearless, I find myself acknowledging fears more readily than I did when I claimed fearlessness. This acknowledgement has pushed me to face a lot of discomforts that I’ve had for a long time – opening up about my emotions, stating out loud what I want, figuring out what I want. I’m realizing more and more that the flow allowed me to live without identifying key factors in life that meant something to me; It allowed me to push any thoughts aside of goals, desires, and end games that makes me feel like I shortchanged myself in some way. In reassessing my life, I’m finding that goal setting could be something that helps me figure out my path. I have always pretty loose with goal setting, having some idea of what I wanted to accomplish, but this was always in relation to professional aspirations. I’ll get into professional aspirations next, I guess.
I don’t think I’ve ever really set a personal goal with the intention of monitoring it and achieving it outside of fitness, now that I think about it. Fitness for me is easy because I want to be healthy, that is my goal. And now that I think about it a bit more, I guess I do have personal goals:
- I want to live a healthy lifestyle that affords me the ability to indulge in the foods I enjoy when I want them because I exercise and do everything in moderation.
- I want to be in a relationship that provides me with the emotional support I need to be the best I can for my partner and for my work (whatever that work may be). This also includes any potential children that result from a union that is emotionally supportive.
Here we are. I do have goals. If I think about it, I am meeting one of them every day and am working towards meeting the other every day.
Now, professionally speaking, I have no idea where to start to think through professional goals. I know that my goals relating to professional development are:
- Figure out what work I can do that will keep me challenged and interested
- Find/create work that pushes me to solve complex problems using my analytical skills
I feel I’ve lost the ability to do either of these things because I’ve been so uninspired for so long. The flow I went with landed me in education and got me to a great level within schools, but it became unfulfilling so quickly. I can’t say that this is true because I figured out the process of running the program, or that it became repetitive, or what. I just know that I lost my zeal for the work around 2 years ago and that wore me down. Now I’m here trying to figure out what’s next and I can’t seem to get there. It is incredibly frustrating. I haven’t been in a position like this before where I don’t know what to do. Everything I’ve done in the past went from one thing to another, and now life is harder. That’s the key, maybe. Life is harder now. I have to make harder decisions. Decisions that alter the course of my life in a way that affect not just me, but other people. Hmm…. maybe that’s it! My life has become more complicated and now I must think differently and potentially in a more complex way to determine my next moves. I thank the flow for getting me here but now I have to take over.
Amita Lathigra 